Me: "Hi Blogosphere, I'm Caitlin." Blogosphere: "Hi Caitlin!"
So I'm new to this whole 'internet persona' thing. Of course I use Facebook, and Instagram (you can follow me @cyborgcaitlin), but I've always been equally a hermit, as much as I am socially outgoing in my own way. I've wanted to make a proper website and blog for years about various things, but when I would get started it just seemed like one giant daunting and overwhelming monster of a task and it never went anywhere. So, babysteps. Hi! I'm Caitlin, I am a lot of interesting things, an explorer of many, and a master of none. Honestly, I have a pretty good reason for that, which is part of my story. |
I love red lipstick, baking cupcakes, black clothing, skulls and oddities, wine, cats (who doesn't love cats?!). I'm not really a dog person, but I LOVE greyhounds. I love video games, anime, manga, costuming, crafting, art history, painting, drawing, science fiction, classic horror movies, cheesy (and really good) horror and sci-fi films, goth culture icons (The Adams Family, The Munsters). I enjoy going to the RenFaire, and Steampunk festivals as well as conventions, making delicious meals worthy of any foodie, reading about interesting medical science and technological advances, and now aspiring yogi. In college I studied humanoid robotics engineering and then product design.
In my professional life, which is limited, again for good reason, I am an artist, freelance MUA, aspiring cupcake shop owner an I think I'm a pretty nifty person. But, sometimes I forget that about myself, which is why I am writing out my bio like it's my profile on OK cupid (but seriously, I'm taken)!
In my professional life, which is limited, again for good reason, I am an artist, freelance MUA, aspiring cupcake shop owner an I think I'm a pretty nifty person. But, sometimes I forget that about myself, which is why I am writing out my bio like it's my profile on OK cupid (but seriously, I'm taken)!
Once upon a time...
There was a beautiful cyborg--
Seriously, I'm not joking actually.
I'm 23 years old, and about 4 years ago when I was in college I was diagnosed with a rare and complex genetic neurological condition called Hemiplegic Migraines. Don't let the word 'migraine' fool you. Migraines alone can be nasty and disabling (I feel you fellow migraineurs!), but this illness is not just a Migraine, though it is considered to be part a family of migraine diseases. It's something I have had my whole life, but we didn't really have a name for it until I was an adult. I've had classic migraines with aura since I was a child, which turned into migraines with motor weakness when I was in middle school. When I would get sick, I would stumble and fall a lot. I had a lot of ataxia, which is a movement disorder with jerky clumsy movements and loose muscles, vertigo, dizziness, and weakness in my right side, and fevers. My eyes also shake back and forth from time to time.
When I got older it got much more severe and the attacks began to resemble strokes. I would become paralyzed on the right side side of my body for periods of time, my face droops and my eye bobs, and would leave me with lasting severe weakness on that side of my body for weeks or longer, as well as memory loss, trouble speaking, nerve pain, tremors and more. We thought I might have MS because I was having trouble with walking on such a regular, constant basis. I was getting sicker and sicker.
One attack left me weakened in my right side for 6 months. I had trouble holding light objects like a pencil, or doing my drawing requirements for my classes. I had slurred speech, and could no longer visualize in 3d spaces (which is hard to explain, but it's something we all have and use everyday. Not being able to do this at all or well is a problem). Many people with HM develop permanent deficits over time, and my condition deteriorated very quickly. Over the course of a year or so, I went from being an active over achieving college student with huge dreams, to someone who could barely get out of bed, hold themselves upright let alone walk, hold down food, or open their own medicine bottle. So there was, and is, worry that my deficits could be permanent.
Over time my ability to balance has suffered, I have a lot of daily pain, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue type symptoms, as well as chronic daily migraines in addition to HM, and I also appear to have an degenerative neurological ataxia disorder that is genetically linked with HM. I have a few really nifty canes that help me get around. Some days I really need to rely on them for balance and strength since my brain can't do it by it's self neurologically all the time-- my central (brain) and peripheral (limbs, muscles, organs) nervous system sometimes have trouble carrying these basic signals around that make the body work.
Seriously, I'm not joking actually.
I'm 23 years old, and about 4 years ago when I was in college I was diagnosed with a rare and complex genetic neurological condition called Hemiplegic Migraines. Don't let the word 'migraine' fool you. Migraines alone can be nasty and disabling (I feel you fellow migraineurs!), but this illness is not just a Migraine, though it is considered to be part a family of migraine diseases. It's something I have had my whole life, but we didn't really have a name for it until I was an adult. I've had classic migraines with aura since I was a child, which turned into migraines with motor weakness when I was in middle school. When I would get sick, I would stumble and fall a lot. I had a lot of ataxia, which is a movement disorder with jerky clumsy movements and loose muscles, vertigo, dizziness, and weakness in my right side, and fevers. My eyes also shake back and forth from time to time.
When I got older it got much more severe and the attacks began to resemble strokes. I would become paralyzed on the right side side of my body for periods of time, my face droops and my eye bobs, and would leave me with lasting severe weakness on that side of my body for weeks or longer, as well as memory loss, trouble speaking, nerve pain, tremors and more. We thought I might have MS because I was having trouble with walking on such a regular, constant basis. I was getting sicker and sicker.
One attack left me weakened in my right side for 6 months. I had trouble holding light objects like a pencil, or doing my drawing requirements for my classes. I had slurred speech, and could no longer visualize in 3d spaces (which is hard to explain, but it's something we all have and use everyday. Not being able to do this at all or well is a problem). Many people with HM develop permanent deficits over time, and my condition deteriorated very quickly. Over the course of a year or so, I went from being an active over achieving college student with huge dreams, to someone who could barely get out of bed, hold themselves upright let alone walk, hold down food, or open their own medicine bottle. So there was, and is, worry that my deficits could be permanent.
Over time my ability to balance has suffered, I have a lot of daily pain, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue type symptoms, as well as chronic daily migraines in addition to HM, and I also appear to have an degenerative neurological ataxia disorder that is genetically linked with HM. I have a few really nifty canes that help me get around. Some days I really need to rely on them for balance and strength since my brain can't do it by it's self neurologically all the time-- my central (brain) and peripheral (limbs, muscles, organs) nervous system sometimes have trouble carrying these basic signals around that make the body work.
Here's When I Become A Cyborg.
So, you can see how having an illness and disability like this would get in the way of school and a professional life, and halt progress in those areas. I had to leave school before I finished my degree, as much as I was motivated to try and stay part-time and work around my illness. It just wasn't going to happen as I got sicker. For a while, I wasn't able to do a lot of things even free lance or semi-professionally work because my ability in those areas had suffered from my neurological attacks. I've been in a lot of heavy treatment over the last year or so, including a pretty intense set of surgeries where I got a Neuro Stimulator Implant. It's kind of like an implanted TENS unit, but way more hardcore. It helps with head pain and some neurological symptoms, and I also have implanted batteries that I have to charge.
I LITERALLY HAVE TO RECHARGE MY BATTERIES.
I told you I wasn't kidding about the cyborg thing! I have some pretty awesome scars on my shoulder blades that look like I had wings that got ripped off, since the wires run all the way from under my scalp, down my back, and to my hips where the battery packs are implanted. I have finally been able to stabilize my condition enough through some successful medical treatments, so now I'm on a journey to expand my life, little by little and do best by my body and mind. |
Namaste means "I bow to you".
With the intention of reducing or negating one's ego, or meaning "I bow to the divine within you". This is my virtual "Namaste." Yoga practice should be raw, powerful, calming, centering, meaningful, balanced, and humbling. Since this is a blog about our journey with Yoga, I feel my introduction should be as well.
My goals on the path to becoming a Yogi are for healing.
The brain is an amazing organ, a structure of billions of neurons and complex connections called synapses, and it drives your whole body. The concept of Neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to make new connections, even into adulthood, almost quite literally means the brain is malleable. My thought is that since the brain is pliable, and can make new connections, I can re-train my brain how to do things like have balance, and have muscle tone (instead of having floppy muscles because neurologically my brain "forgets" to keep them taught). So, unless the brain is actively being affected by an attack, I can work to help reinforce those connections or maybe make entirely new ones. True stroke victims can sometimes re-learn quite a bit of what may have been damaged from the stroke, so the same principle applies. I'm using yoga as my therapy for strength, muscle tone, balance and coordination. I'm trying to work towards making things more episodic again instead of constant.
I'm falling a lot. I have a lot of bruises! And it has set off some mini attacks, but, slowly, I'm actually making some progress. I've noticed that I hold my shoulders and trunk straighter and am less prone to wanting to bend in half as the day goes on or grab my cane to keep my torso upright. I have gotten very weakened over time being bedridden and sick and inactive with low natural muscle tension, so pure strength building and support is a help when I'm not outright symptomatic, and today I was able to do a full back bend bridge (wheel pose), which was pretty awesome! My goal for Yoga poses is to be able to do Scorpion, and fully reach my feet to my head, as well as lose weight and get strong in the process!
I had been doing Yoga on and off for a while, but was mostly doing Hatha Yoga with some Ashtanga Yoga. This is my first time doing purely Ashtanga Yoga, and doing it just about everyday with a guided program and a buddy. I can't attest to whether it's helping "repair" or improve my inherent ability to balance yet or neurologically the ability to hold muscles taught, but it certainly makes me feel like I'm doing something good for myself.
Jamie did say my intentions for this challenge and journey were different than hers. I'm very grateful she has asked me to join her in this and to write for this blog as well. I promise all of my posts won't be as heavy as this!
When we begin practice, and when we end practice we say "Namaste", so in that same spirit...
I'm falling a lot. I have a lot of bruises! And it has set off some mini attacks, but, slowly, I'm actually making some progress. I've noticed that I hold my shoulders and trunk straighter and am less prone to wanting to bend in half as the day goes on or grab my cane to keep my torso upright. I have gotten very weakened over time being bedridden and sick and inactive with low natural muscle tension, so pure strength building and support is a help when I'm not outright symptomatic, and today I was able to do a full back bend bridge (wheel pose), which was pretty awesome! My goal for Yoga poses is to be able to do Scorpion, and fully reach my feet to my head, as well as lose weight and get strong in the process!
I had been doing Yoga on and off for a while, but was mostly doing Hatha Yoga with some Ashtanga Yoga. This is my first time doing purely Ashtanga Yoga, and doing it just about everyday with a guided program and a buddy. I can't attest to whether it's helping "repair" or improve my inherent ability to balance yet or neurologically the ability to hold muscles taught, but it certainly makes me feel like I'm doing something good for myself.
Jamie did say my intentions for this challenge and journey were different than hers. I'm very grateful she has asked me to join her in this and to write for this blog as well. I promise all of my posts won't be as heavy as this!
When we begin practice, and when we end practice we say "Namaste", so in that same spirit...
Namaste. Thank you for reading!
-Caitlin